A box of calculus

A few weeks ago,  I came home from my first year of graduate school.  A couple weeks after that, I went back to my house I had lived in this year and brought home the last load of stuff from my house where I had lived.  


That week was a very busy week for me--I had driven home from a conference in Florida, packed up my grad school house at 5:00 in the morning, driven home, cut out costumes for a play, and gone back to work.  I felt like I had been going without a break for almost a week.  That Friday, my mom had me unload all the stuff from her van.  She had been very patient with me, driving around all week with my junk in her van.  Let's just say I have a lot of things--specifically books . . . 

My room was a wreck and I was in a tizzy trying to fit two HOUSES worth of things into one small room.  Mom mentioned the fact that I had several rubbermaid containers in the corner of my room that were only half full.  She suggested that I needed to throw some things away and reorganize the containers to have more room.  


And I would like to tell you, my dear readers, that I complied with a smile and my room was swiftly rearranged and made neat.  However, what followed was quite a bit of evidence of my sinful nature.  I fussed and fumed and generally let the flesh have its way.  I had already donated tons of my books to my high school's library, and I didn't want to get rid of more of my stuff--after all, I had kept it for a reason!  But I eventually tackled those boxes in the corner of my room because honestly there was simply nowhere else to put things.  


I went through those boxes, and I found that at least three of them were filled with school things.  Papers, projects, notes and notebooks dating all the way back to freshman year of high school.  The largest chunk of all of this was three notebooks worth of AP Calculus from my senior year.  Let me just take a moment to explain my relationship with Calculus.  I took WAY too many AP classes my senior year, and AP Calculus was the one that took the most time.  I'd always been good at math, but it didn't come naturally to me--I really had to work at it.  I took Calculus BC which was the equivalent of two semesters of engineering level calculus.  There were eight of us, and I remember quite a few nights, sitting on the phone at 2:00am with Jessi, trying to figure out how to do our homework.  I struggled that year, but I somehow managed to pull an A and a 3 on my exam, exempting myself from math forever!


Fast forward 5 years--I sat in my room, looking through this math notebooks, trying to figure out why I had kept them.  Reading them, I couldn't even make sense of the problems, but I knew at one point I had been able to work those problems with some level of skill (or at least some good faking it).  Why had I kept all these notes?  I don't like math.  I'm never going to work those problems again.  Never will the need arise.


I suppose it could be chalked up to tiredness at the end of each semester.  It makes sense--after working hard all semester, the last thing I wanted to do is go through all my notes.  However, sitting in the midst of literally 4 boxes of school things, I came to realize something more was going on.  It showed me why I was so upset at getting rid of these things and why I had kept them for so long.  


You see, somewhere in the midst of years and years of school, I began to find my identity in school and the success I found there.  And that is wrong.  I have told friends, "You could tell me I'm not a lot of things, but I know I'm smart."  That sounds cocky, I know, but school was always the one thing I did really well with.  I'm not really athletic.  I love theater and music, but I'm not exceptionally talented at either.  So, school was my thing.  I did it, and I did it well.  And at some point, I aligned my identity with school.


As a child of God, my identity is found in Christ.  I deserve nothing in and of myself--it is only by God's grace that I have received any good gifts.  I was once estranged from God because of my state as a sinner.  However, because of Jesus' redemptive work on the cross, I was forgiven of my sin, brought near to God, and called His child all because of His loving grace.  God's judgment was removed from me, and instead of I was given grace and blessings!  


Because I'm in Christ, I am someone new.  II Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."  My identity is wrapped up completely in my reconciliation to God.  I am a child of God, and anything I do should reflect my identity in Him.  All the school work in the world means nothing if it's not done to honor God.  All of my achievements mean nothing if they are not done out of service to the one Who gave me the ability to learn.  


I've been learning this for sometime, but that box of Calculus really made this quite transparent to me.  I'm humbled by all I've been given--a relationship with Christ, the ability and opportunity to learn, and the blessings that are apparent to me every day.  


I told all this to my dear friend Abbe the other evening.  And she replied, "So, what are you going to do about it?"  


After some reflection, the only response is this:


"Thus says the LORD: "Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD."
~ Jeremiah 9:23-24


I'm learning.  And God is faithful.